On Sex

As pastor you should be building lots of good and lasting relationships.  The longer you are a pastor the more you will find that connection with people drives significance in ministry.  Humanly speaking, you make it or break it as a pastor depending on whether or not you relate well with other people.

One of the key aspects regarding relationships is having appropriate boundaries.  That’s the topic of this note and is the second of three big topics.

Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed by a husband and wife.  It is indeed a powerful gift.  Like all gifts Satan seeks to get us to misuse and misappropriate it.

WATCH IT!

You must not fall into sexual immorality.  Except for unbelief itself, nothing is more disastrous for a Christian than to engage in sexual immorality.   Paul writes, “Flee sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”  (I Corinthians 6:18) 

The writer of Proverbs interestingly juxtaposes wisdom with sexual immorality.  Nothing is more stupid than getting involved in sexual relations with someone who is not your spouse.  The writer describes the wayward man, “All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierce his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life.”  (Proverbs 7:22-23)

Sexual immorality will destroy your marriage, your family, your ministry and your relationship with God.

Boundaries are crucial:

• Never counsel a woman with no one else in a nearby office.

• Do not give rides to a woman by yourself. 

• Make sure there is a window into your office.  (A counseling friend of mine disagrees with this because it interferes somewhat with privacy.  Of course, that is the point of it.)

• Be careful about physical contact.  Some people by nature are more of a hugger than others.  This is not to say do not hug people, just be careful.  Have clear boundaries.  I specialize in warm hand shakes. 

• Avoid the revelation of intimate details of your life with other women.

These boundaries are to protect you from untoward action toward another and to protect you from untoward action from another.

DON’T WATCH IT!

Pornography has no place in your life.  It is of no benefit to you, your marriage or your ministry to see a woman besides your wife without clothes. 

We live in a hyper-sexualized culture.  Suggestive images abound in “main stream” TV shows, internet ads, critically acclaimed movies.  Avoid them even if leaves you out of the loop with popular culture.  For other reasons as well, less is more when it comes to TV watching, surfing the web and keeping up with movies.

Watch what you watch.  Don’t let your eyes be the gateway to disaster.

WATCH IT WITH YOUR LIFE!

Do all you can to enhance your marriage.  Spend time with your spouse.  Avoid hobbies that make an already busy pastor an absent husband.  Eat dinner together without the TV.  Go on a date every week—without kids.  Share your intimate heart concerns, joys and fears with each other.  And as my pastor from long ago said, “If you are too busy for sex, you are too busy.”

You may not be married yet.  As a single man how you comport yourself now and the kind of purity habits you practice now will bless your marriage when and if God grants you a spouse.  You do not want to begin a marriage filled with regret and shame from past relationships.

As a married man you must keep faith with your wife to be faithful only to her.  You gave your word.  Do not break it.

I could go on and give more details and more specifics, but this topic could also have been written with just two words:  watch it.  That will keep you on the path toward significance.