On Talking about Members

Pastors must preserve the good name of parishioners. It’s in the Eighth Commandment. A wise pastor early in my ministry gave me one of the greatest lessons on talking about members. Someone was slicing and dicing a member, and this now sainted pastor said, “I don’t know. If I had been through what he is going through, I probably would be the same way.” How you talk about members will make a significant difference in the over-all culture of your congregation.

Guard how you talk about dissenters. Some people are going to disagree with you on things. Some people are going to disagree a lot with you on a lot of things. People are people too. We are easily tempted to vilify people who have divergent opinions. God call his people sheep. He never calls his people alligators; neither should his pastors, even if the people are acting like it. We are to put the best construction on people, not derogatory names. 

Guard how you talk about counselees. Never betray a confidence. Don’t use a counselee as a sermon illustration, even anonymously. Someone will put two and two together. Don’t let the camaraderie of your staff weaken your resolve not to share interesting tidbits about members you are counseling. Never, ever burden your wife with details of a recent “session,” again even if it is anonymous. She doesn’t need the burden and is probably better at adding two and two than anyone else. 

Guard how you talk about the details of a recent church meeting. Most church meetings are at least in theory “open meetings,” although not many people attend a church meeting that they don’t have to attend. But just because they are “open” doesn’t give you the right to share every bone-headed thing that someone said about someone else. Church meetings tend to be filled with passion and with tired people. Things get said. Some of the things should have remained unsaid. Don’t repeat them. Don’t share who was on what side of which issue. Let it rest. Let it go.

Guard how you talk with other pastors. Pastors don’t appreciate it when members from various congregations get together and enjoy a little “roasted pastor.” So, pastors shouldn’t do it to the parishioners! Talking about your members in a negative way with another pastor is bound to come back to haunt you. Someone always knows someone else who is related on the mother’s side twice removed. Words have a way of being shared and shared and shared. A pastor’s wife once told me, “Never say anything that you don’t want repeated.” Keep that in mind when you are meeting with other pastors.

Guard how you talk about people in the office. (Part I) This is another great place to be reminded not to say something you don’t want repeated. There is no place in the office for gossip about members. There is a fine line between sharing something with another staff member about a person for ministry purposes and gossiping about that person. When in doubt, keep it to yourself. Make sure that staff prayer time does not degenerate into airing someone else’s dirty laundry. The church office is a great place to put into practice what Paul wrote to the Philippians, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8) And talk about them, too.

Guard how you talk about people in the office. (Part II) You need to watch how you talk about people in the office, meaning the other people on your staff. They tend to be members. You tend to know them better than you know non-staff members. And other members tend to want to get the “low down” on them. Someone at a dinner party or at a golf outing may tempt you to serve up something juicy on a fellow staff member. Resist that temptation. Philippians 4:8 applies here as well.

One more thing: there is a great side benefit to guarding how you talk about members. When you are careful about how you talk about others, people will be far less likely to say unkind, untrue or unflattering things about you! After all you are the pastor; people will follow your lead!