On Boundaries

The following will get you out of trouble before you get into it.

Robert Frost remarked wisely, “Good fences make good neighbors.”  Proverbs 23:10 warns against moving ancient boundary stones.  In Dare to Discipline  James Dobson writes about the importance of boundary setting for raising children.

Make sure that you have appropriate and firm boundaries in place.  You will be a much better neighbor, husband and pastor if you do.  Figure out now, in advance of situations, how far you will go or not go in any particular area.  Now, while you are not in the heat of passion, what makes sense to put off limits?  This will keep you from getting knocked off the path toward significance.

Consider boundaries especially in the following areas.

TOUCH BOUNDARIES

Who will you touch?  How will you touch them?  Where will you touch them?

Touch is powerful.  Touch is incarnational.  Touch is therapeutic.

But it can also get you into a lot of trouble.  Dangerous touch can lead to bad touch which can lead to disastrous touch.    Touch can easily be misconstrued by you, the person you touch or the person who sees you touch the person you touch.

Make sure you have touch boundaries.

• Be especially careful with women.  It is better by far to be perceived as somewhat aloof than to be perceived as “too huggie.”   A warm handshake is touch enough for almost every situation between men and women, and even then a gentleman should wait for the lady to extend her hand.  Over time there may be friendships that you and your wife make with other couples that will lead to a mutual hug.  Take the lead from your wife about which couples that might be.  Feel free to hug ladies 75 years and older—but be prepared to explain to your wife where the red lipstick on your cheek came from.  In this area the general boundary is less is more.

• Be especially careful with children.  Children thrive on touch.  It is important for pastors to touch children… appropriately.  Place your hand on their heads during a Communion blessing.  Shake their hands when you greet their parents, even stooping to their eye level.  Touch a shoulder of an unruly young man in catechism.  It is unwise to touch a child when no one else is around.  Never touch a child in any way that may be misconstrued by even a casual observer.  

Any touch that seems the least bit inappropriate is.  Back off.  You are out of bounds.

TIME BOUNDARIES

Be careful how you apportion your time.  Benjamin Franklin said, “Dost thou love life?  Then do not squander time, for that’s the stuff life is made of.”  Predetermined boundaries are crucial for time, and thus life management.  Make sure that you have boundaries in place for the following:

• Home bound visits:  Most of those you visit as home bound members would love for you to spend an afternoon.   That’s a nice idea, but you have lots of other things that need attention.   My boundary is 30-45 minutes.

• Hospital visits:  Most of those you visit DO NOT want you to spend an afternoon.  They are sick.   They need rest.  My boundary is 10-15 minutes.

• Sermon prep:  At the seminary they teach that we should spend eight or more hours a week on sermon preparation.  For the life of me I have never known where I would find that kind of time or what I would do with it!  My boundary is 6-7 hours.

• Work week:  Yours is not a 40 hours a week job!  But neither should it be an 80 hours a week job either.  If you are working only 40 hours a week, you are cheating your congregation.  If you are working 80 hours a week, you are cheating your family and not really helping your congregation.  My boundary is 50-55 hours.

• Counseling Sessions:  You need to set boundaries both in regard to how long a session will be and how many sessions you will have with an individual or couple.  My boundary is an hour.  (Keep a clock unobtrusively visible.)  My other boundary is 3; if I can’t help someone in three visits, it is time to refer to a counselor.

• Meetings:  Somewhere I heard that nothing good happens in a church meeting after 45 minutes.  I believe it but seldom can pull it off.  My boundary is 90 minutes.

TALKING BOUNDARIES

Take heed to what your mother must have said to you at some point, “Watch your mouth.”

Pastors talk.  Pastors talk a lot. 

Sometimes pastors can talk too much.  Or talk too much about things they shouldn’t.

• Make sure you do not fall into the habit of having to comment on everything someone else says just because you are the pastor.  I confess that at meetings I fall into the habit of always having to contribute something to everything that gets said, even if it is just a humorous comment.  I have to intentionally set a boundary relative to how often I will speak up.

• Determine what words are off limits to you.  Too often I hear brother pastors use “salty language” in an attempt to be “real.”  Nope.  Those words that tend to have four letters and that describe body parts or body functions ought to be outside our boundaries. 

• Strictly limit how much you talk about your family.  Strictly!  Talking a lot about your family is not fair to them and not nearly as interesting to others as you think it is.

• Never betray a confidence.  If you are not sure if something was said in confidence, assume it was.

• Don’t go negative.  We live is a put down culture.  Some comics have gotten rich perfecting the art of the put down.  If what you have to say does not build up, it is out of bounds.

Manage your boundaries, and you should manage to stay out of trouble.  You will also find yourself far more productive and at peace.